Im stupid. Did anyone know that? I did it again. Something I fucking told myself I would not do. Something I was trying to prevent. I fell for someone. Stupid me right. I always do this, and when I do, its always the same fucking ending. Nothing. Fucking nothing. Im the friend, not the significant other. Its not the other persons fault either. I know they can't make themselves feel some way. Its my own fucking fault.
I get stupid sometimes. I really do, I lead myself on. Even though this time, I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere, cause I wasn't gonna let it. Im scared shitless of relationships. People don't realize that. Im scared shitless of getting hurt. But even when I try not to, I get hurt anyway.
Cause Im a fucking stupid little girl.
Yep, thats me, a fucking idiot. Through and fucking through. You know sometimes I really fucking wish I was ugly as hell. Cause that way things would stop. Cause the only reason people seem to even like me in the slightest, even thought it never goes anywhere, is cause I'm 'cute'. But then I remember I have low as hell self esteem. And that if I were ugly as hell, which I partly already think I am, I would be more so depressed than I am now.
Go fucking figure, I can never win. Maybe one day I'll grow out of all this shit. The fear of being in a relationship, of being alone, of looking the way I do, of looking the way I don't. All of it. Maybe I'll get some god damned common sense, and just stop being stupid. I can wish right?
Oh well, till then I suppose this just gives me more time to focus on my studies. Part of me is slapping myself for not focusing on it enough, and wasting time socializing. Im not a social person, atleast not in my mind. Everyone tells me Im not an alone person though, and that I am a social person. I don't fucking get it.
I don't get it at fucking all. I just...really wanna slap myself. Really hard, upside the head. Maybe it'll knock some sense into me and I can stop rambling about god knows what. Im bet people are sick and tired of depressed blogs from me. I do it on myspace, fb, here. God I need to cheer the fuck up.
But about what? What do I have to be happy for? I suppose the only thing I got going atm it that I am gonna go visit my family in NJ. I was here in FL for school, which fucked up, and now Im stuck here an year and a half early taking online classes. Im fucking lucky ain't I. Im away from home, away from all my friends, away from all the people I fucking talk to and rant to. And Im basically stuck with strangers.
Don't get me wrong, I've met some really great people, some people I really do like being around and would like to consider friends. And then I met ppl I was stupid around and made a fool of myself out of to. Hence this blog.
I really wish I wasn't so fucking stupid.
I really do.
I can't fucking do anything right. Oh well, I suppose I can always just go drown in the shower. Stand there for half an hour and think. I got nothing better to do.
Ending statement. I wish I wasn't so fucking foolish, and I wish I could stop getting myself into situations that will only hold me.
Conclusion: Im gonna stop getting close to people. I've said it a million times before. Im meant to be alone, no matter how much I fucking hate it. Im just meant to be.
End story.
-Flip
P.S.
Im not mad at anyone. Nor is it anyones fault besides my own. I just gotta be more careful. And remind myself to stop thinking things.
I always act dumb, vulgar and silly simply because if someone isn't gonna like you for who you are... then sure as hell not worth it being with them. Believe me I've seen you act the way you do in public and there is nothing wrong with how you act. You act silly, happy and all over the place... and there is nothing weird about it. Relationships are a pain. They are like scars in your brain, they hurt permanently. Without them though life would be pointless. So don't give up.
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